*NOTE: I should point out that this list is made up of players currently plying their trade in the Premier League. Keep sending in older players you think are nuts though. It’s very entertaining. Might have to do an all time Crazy XI eventually.
Premier League footballers. Well-adjusted, earnest young men trying to keep their heads down as they navigate the treacherous waters of fame and all that brings with it.
They’re never childish or immature. A life of excess? No thank you. Spending a standard monthly wage on a stupid forearm tattoo is a privilege they’ve earned through hard work and honest living. Still, for every Ashley Cole or John Terry, you’ve got a footballer who has let their fame go to their head (hang on).
In some cases, their fame is destined to live a solitary existence, finding an empty head space in which to run free. In other, more worrying cases, their fame is in good company, sharing room with some good ol’ fashioned crazy.
Here are five such footballers, just as likely to pull off a sublime piece of skill as they are to pull off their clothes and run through Piccadilly Circus screaming at the top of their lungs. (They’re probably not that crazy. But they’re close.)
Wayne Rooney
Make no mistake about it. Wayne Rooney is mental.
His on pitch behaviour ranges from hurling disgusting abuse at referees to stomping on Portuguese Internationals’ nether regions to elbowing promising young players in the face.
Off the pitch, he visits sixty year old plus prostitutes, cheats on his pregnant wife, and holds his club to ransom by casting flirtatious glances at their near neighbours and hated rivals.
Is he remorseful? He’d like us to believe so. He said as much after the first extra-marital indiscretion. And then he went and did it again. Mental.
Andy Carroll
Another young English centre forward equally capable of moments of brilliance and moments of crazy. When he’s not punching his girlfriend or throwing glasses at people, he’s busy sporting one of the stupidest looking ponytails I’ve ever seen.
His wispy facial hair screams psychopath. He was sent to live with Kevin Nolan, the same Kevin Nolan that headlocks Polish goalkeepers and does this to opposing strikers, because he needed a steadying influence. What came next? Orgy.
Crazy.
Joey Barton
Things Joey Barton enjoys:
Scything down opposition players.
Putting out cigarettes in people’s eyes.
Assaulting strangers.
Assaulting onlookers.
Assaulting taxi-drivers.
Running over pedestrians.
Punching teammates in the face.
Loco.
Jens Lehmann
Jens Lehmann wrote the book on mental footballers. He’s been around for ages, and with each passing year he just gets crazier.
In his Arsenal days, it wasn’t uncommon to see him stepping on the toes of opposition players, throwing a sly elbow to the face, or falling to the ground under little to no contact. After he left the Gunners to return to Germany he decided to really let loose.
Against Mainz in the Bundesliga, he stomped on an opposition player while in possession of the ball. He then stole a fan’s glasses after being asked “Why can’t you just be normal Jens?” A fair question, really. He was caught urinating behind the goals in a Champions League match against Unirea Urziceni, and once threw an opposing player’s boot on the roof of the net. Classic Jens.
Mario Balotelli
He’s only young, but Mario Balotelli has crammed enough crazy into his early playing days to make ol’ Lehmann look like a gentle German giant.
He kicks players in the chest, walks around the pitch looking for fights, gets sent off in crucial games, struggles with bibs, doesn’t know who Jack Wilshere is, thinks he’s the second best player in the world behind Messi, wears glove hats, wears an AC Milan jersey while under contract with Inter Milan, the list goes on.
His defining moment came just last week. Sitting by the window on the first floor of Manchester City’s training ground, Balotelli needed to find a way to alleviate his boredom. You or I would probably take out our phones and have a browse or play a game. Not crazy Mario though. Just for fun, he decided to throw darts out the window, in the direction some youth team players. It was a prank apparently.
I stuck to the Premier League with this list. I’m well aware that there are crazy footballers all over the world. Perhaps you’d like to contribute a few? Comments below.
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